With all due respect to the venerable Emily Post Institute, the do’s and don’ts of marijuana etiquette extend far beyond yuppie dinner parties.
Leave it to reddit, the self-proclaimed “front page of the Internet”, and specifically /r/trees to extend the conversation of what true smokers say shouldn’t fly.
On a recent “Self-Post Sunday” (where links and pictures are banned) a user asked “What could someone do while you’re smoking with them that would make you never smoke with them again?” and it quickly became one of the sub-site’s top posts.
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Here are the Top Five things stoners hate — a.k.a. Top Five ways to get you voted off of the proverbial stoner island:
5. “I was smoking with this chick from my school (her first time) and she blew the bowl out instead of sucking in” (from /u/mouzerr)
Sure, weed is a terrible thing to waste, and I’ve seen this scores of times. If you feel a cough coming on, remove your mouth from the bowl immediately. It’s a cough, and it belongs away from things people will be sharing with you. The real winner of this thread, though, is when someone drops the term “buffalo fart” and nearly brings tears to my eyes. UrbanDictionary.com defines this as “The stale, sour smoke left in a bong chamber from an unfinished hit,” meaning it was used out of context. I don’t care. Expect me to leave quite a few BF’s as an excuse to bring it up in conversation.
4. “The person that constantly has to remind everyone of how high they are to the extent that the phrase becomes meaningless” (from /u/Brick_Ross)
First, let’s acknowledge the genius of the name “Brick Ross,” a tremendous spoof of the popular rapper. I fully expect a remix of his hit track “B.M.F.” that has something to do with buffalo marijuana farts. Second, I never mind when someone acknowledges the quality of weed that I smoke with them. But to belabor the point detracts from everyone’s high and is the stoned conversational equivalent of talking about the weather. If you find yourself continually lamenting your mental state, I recommend engaging people about what’s going on with them and actively listening. If they’re as high as you are, you can expect rambling right back.
3. “I hate folk that wet the roach, that s–t is gross” (from /u/420BluntTrauma)
Stories about the dreaded cottonmouth that cannabis can cause are rampant enough that a terrible band can make it part of their namesake. Less heralded is the literally mouthwatering nature of a good bowl or blunt. While stoners are much more forgiving about the unsanitary nature of licking papers to seal them, passing a wet anything is a major faux pas. If you know you’re someone who tends to salivate after a hit, feel free to take a moment for your lips to dry before hitting it again. No one will begrudge you, provided you’re not “camping” on your turn and taking forever. And never, EVER use the racially related term for this. It’s not funny.
2. “Yell cops as a joke” from (/u/jay_frank)
True story: I had a friend do this in high school. A real knee-slapper. That was, until a police officer who was within earshot but out of sight decided to come where he was summoned. A ticket and six months of substance abuse treatment later, our real-life Boy Who Cried Cops learned his lesson and then some. Everything is funnier when you’re high, so no need to prey on the paranoia of your friends. Honorable mentions for this category include pretending to lose the weed, fake buttdialing someone’s parents or ever saying “Dave’s not here”.
1. “When people take pictures of a sesh (sic) and put it on social media” (from /u/clanclam)
As someone whose top Google image search result is my face buried in a jar of weed, go ahead and shoot away when we’re puffing together. For many others, getting caught on camera blazing one can have disastrous consequences. We’re not all Michael Phelps, but from losing your job to your kids, you never know when that Instagram could come back to burn you. As much as I’m over seeing vape bros blowing clouds on MassRoots, you’re allowed to look as douchey as you want as long as others aren’t involved. Here’s a novel concept: Put down your phone for a minute and enjoy the company of others — and the cannabis.
What did reddit miss? My pet peeves include making fun of someone for how high they are, giving someone a huge dab as a joke (ruined a 4/20 for my significant other), having an elaborate process for getting high (it’s pot, not heroin) and saying you have an indica when it’s really a sativa (or vice versa). Sound off below with etiquette issues we both missed.