There’s no “perfect pot” to give someone who hasn’t indulged in several years. When I was behind the bar, offering someone a glass of Vinho Verde or Moscato D’Asti would be an inoffensive introduction to white wine. You get by on these “Drinking for Dummies” moves. Judging from the utter meltdown an old friend had smoking some Alien Napalm OG, I don’t possess these skills when it comes to cannabis. It’s a shame; shaman always seemed like a great fallback option.
I came by the severely indica-leaning Alien Napalm at Fox Street Wellness, a place I consider a well-kept secret considering its awful location and corresponding short lines. This shop is like that taqueria that is inexplicably set in a suburban strip mall with the ridiculous green chile, only placed in an industrial park with ridiculous green smokeables. The staff always goes a level deeper than the usual “I like this” banter I get at most dispensaries, talking genetics or how a particular harvest varied from the last. With their cookies on a gram limit, I opted to try something different this week.
Alien Napalm OG by the numbers: $20/gram, $130/quarter at Fox Street Wellness, 4773 Fox St., Denver
If the team at Alien Genetics loves their Alien Kush, consider Alien Napalm their Pablo Neruda ode to it. In genetic terms, a backcross in the cannabis world is breeding the progeny with its parent plant. I know how this sounds. To get the Napalm, first the Alien Kush was crossed with Tahoe OG. The result (Tahoe Alien) was then backcrossed twice with the Alien Kush. We can argue the semantics of this, but I’m just going to assume at this point you’re still paddling this canoe with me. Fox Street lists it as Alien Napalm OG #6, meaning that of all their plants, the one labeled #6 won. My budtender tells me this is due to yield, or the amount of bud the plant produces, because of course.
Identifying the Kush in these genetics is about as hard as telling the difference between a robin and a seagull. Rubber and pepper dominate the jar like a bunch of green army men relegated to miniature mess hall duty. But maybe they lit some incense to try and create a little atmosphere. The trichome coverage is spectacular, with this particular Alien Napalm produced in a veganic grow. I wish I could school you on the finer points of vegan cannabis cultivation, but just know that there isn’t a lot of cow blood going into the strains you usually smoke. Whatever they’re doing, it’s tremendous.
And that’s reflected in the smoke. Sometimes, you see these “centerfold” buds that end up with as much substance as you’d expect from some, well, centerfolds. There’s a discernible spiciness to the first drag from my spoon that I pass to my friend “Adam.” By the time it makes it back to me, I notice it has burned to a nice white ash. I do the old ash-it-pack-it-send-it and don’t think twice.
We’re discussing where to eat when I notice that Adam hasn’t given an opinion on the merits of Pinche Tacos or My Brother’s Bar — or much of anything, for that matter. Has he moved in thirty minutes? It’s a heavy buzz for me, giving me a feeling of being enveloped in my already low-sitting antique couch, but I can still process thoughts and have them exit my mouth. When I ask him later, he calls this time “the quickening.”
Alien Napalm has an unfortunate name that I’m sure is an attempt to describe the feeling of having your entire body coated in THC. There’s an immediately sedative buzz that hits every limb and some people’s tongues. The rest of us were feeling a noticeable increase in appetite while Adam said he needed to close his eyes for a minute. Again, when I probe about what he was seeing he can’t recall, saying, “I just kept asking myself if I was breathing.” I imagine this is what it feels like when your dog eats that stray edible you left on the coffee table. And that’s where his night ended.
I’m disappointed in my abilities as a strain shaman. Here, I thought I was showing him the metaphorical OG mountain top. He never left base camp. And I should have known better. Use Alien Napalm for sleep, use it for severe pain, or use it to increase appetite. Never use it for an appetizer.
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