‘Tis the season to scare the crap out of yourself at a haunted house. But if you’re thinking of smoking before you go, think again.
Haunted houses are downright nightmarish these days — you’re putting yourself in the middle of a horror film. Some of these operations, like Denver’s 13th Floor and The Asylum, require you to “escape” mazes while bloodthirsty zombies and demonic clowns roam freely. Outside of Sacramento, Ranch of Horror integrates paintball so you can fight back against bloodthirsty zombies. Down in Orange County, The 17th Door attraction makes you sign a liability waiver in which you acknowledge you may be exposed to electrical shock, foul scents and large amounts of water.
In short, so much could go wrong if you’re off your gourd.
Let’s take a walk through the worst-case scenarios:
1. You smoke the wrong strain
You had it all planned out: Smoke the Blue Dream to spike your energy level, and later that night, the Gorilla Glue to chill. But then your buddy rolls up a joint with some Jack the Ripper … and the disorienting paranoia kicks in.
2. You embarrass yourself right away
Because you’re blitzed out of your skull, the woman in line wearing devil horns is causing you to tweak — you’re completely unprepared for the terror that awaits. Once inside, the first glimpse of a demented creature causes you to shriek like a child and grab your friend. You’ll never regain their respect.
3. You fight back
Now that your friends have left you behind, this haunted house is getting way too real. You’re alone, high, freaking out and the adrenaline is pumping — a losing combo. The next time a bloodthirsty zombie gets too close, you instinctively take a swing and drop the guy. Assuming the security staff doesn’t grab you right away, you spend the rest of the time trying to find the emergency exit.
4. You forget the “safe word”
Of course, you didn’t read the liability waiver — you have no idea what the haunted house’s “safe word” is to signal you’ve had enough. So, as the chainsaw-wielding clown chases you through a cemetery (and because your concept of “safe word” is tainted by a predilection for BDSM in film) you’re literally running around shouting out vaguely inappropriate nonsense to no avail.
5. And then you piss yourself
If it was a problem when you were 7 years old, there’s no reason to believe it won’t be a problem now that you’re 27 and the chainsaw-wielding clown is closing in.
6. Now you’re lost
These haunted houses are designed for sensory overload — not the spot you want to be while high and trying to escape assault charges. Strobe lights, fog, extreme temperatures and the occasional electric shock have you disoriented and confused; you run into several walls and knock over a teenybopper from the group that came in behind yours. Eventually the kids steer you in the right direction and you make it out no worse for wear, for the most part — the same can’t be said for your dignity.
7. You eat your shame
You’ve embarrassed yourself, alienated your friends, soiled your pants — and you may or may not be facing assault charges. But damn, those corn dogs look good. Your friends find you alone in the back of the car gnawing on your fourth corn dog. On a positive note, because there’s mustard down the front of your shirt, they don’t notice your pants are soaked.
8. You’re paranoid the rest of the night that somebody’s watching you
You see, the modern haunted house is designed to allow people to project their own fears into the situation. And your worst fear is being surveilled — by the agents of the Deep State, yes, and now by demons that have escaped Hell’s gates. Do yourself a favor and remove yourself from whatever remains of your social life and sleep it off.
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