(Elaine Thompson, Associated Press file)

‘Pass the dutchie, Dad’: Five reasons why getting high with your parents is just weird

Your parents, it’s likely been years since they smoked weed. They think back to a half-century ago, when they called it “reefer” and “dope” and “grass.”

Now your parents have expressed interest in a comeback, now that it’s legal in certain parts of the country. The stigma’s mostly gone. It’s all over the news. And, besides, they really loved watching “Pineapple Express.”

In your mind, the sesh would be a great experience — the three of you sharing a joint or a bowl on a Saturday afternoon. You’d both be taking part in this wonderful thing, and you’d be closer — true pals.

But you really haven’t thought this through, have you? I think you’re really going to regret smoking your parents out. Here’s why:

1. They’re going to get way too high

Your folks are just not prepared to smoke weed this powerful. The ground-up, seedy, oregano crap they smoked back in the day was one step up from tobacco. Two hits from your fresh batch of Blue Dream will have them needing a few minutes alone to adjust, before emerging to clean out every inch of their tool shed.

2. Then they’ll get paranoid and kill your buzz

Nothing ruins a good weed high more than being around an anxious smoker. Your parents won’t like the way the wind’s hitting their arm. The sound of the grass growing. The bugs swirling around them. They’ll believe the neighbors smelled the smoke, the cops now coming to search the house and throw you all in jail. Before long they’ll be telling you to flush the stuff down the toilet while there’s still time. Like I said, this was a bad idea from the get-go.

3. They’ll get super self-conscious

Suddenly, they’re aware of absolutely everything they’re doing. How they’re doing it. What they’re saying. How you’re reacting to what they’re saying and doing. Their mind is spinning, and they suddenly find themselves second-guessing everything they’ve ever done. Including smoking weed with you just now. And you can’t even enjoy your buzz at this point. You may as well go home and forget it ever happened and never, ever, bring it up.

4. They’ll want to be philosophical

Once they’re ready to be around people again, your folks will mellow out and start thinking. Really thinking. About why we’re here, the direction of their life. The stars and the universe, morality and so on. All while postulating aloud to you. Then they’ll ask you why you’re being so quiet.

5. They’ll act like a lost puppy (and you’ll have to be the parent)

Before long, your buzz will have worn off, and you’ll be ready to chow down or veg out. But not them. They won’t know quite what to do — how to act, what to say — so plan on them following you around until you give them something to do.