The annual Denver St. Patrick's Day Parade runs its main route along Blake Street near Coors Field downtown. (Kathryn Scott Osler, Denver Post file)

Pot o’ gold: 10 events for a stoney St. Pat’s weekend

Many in the marijuana community turn their nose up at the binge drinking fest that inevitably surrounds St. Patrick’s Day, which I understand. My Scotch-Irish heritage demands I celebrate with every possible iteration of “green,” although the typical LoDo fare isn’t my cup of tea. Stick to this list of events, however, and you’ll have a blast being Blarney stoned out of your mind.

March 14

Keggs & Eggs
Free, 7 a.m. at Lodo’s Bar & Grill (1946 Market St., Denver)

I’ll admit, the allure of Lodo’s annual “Keggs & Eggs” has been lost on me since moving here in 2001. Who camps out for pedestrian breakfast food and cheap beer with food coloring in it? Turns out hundreds of people do, although only one Facebook friend would admit to me she had been. And it was part of her job. Channel 93.3 FM will be there live, usually an indication of a sick time bro, as will the bands New Politics, The Unlikely Candidates, and KONGOS. This is a great time for any stoner who likes feeling superior to their drunken compatriots, even if you wind up giving them a ride home.

Pie & Coffee
$3, 1-2:30 p.m. at the Commerce City Recreation Center (6060 Parkway Drive, Commerce City)

Now there’s a winning combination. The young lady I spoke with on the phone didn’t feel like this would be the event for me, but she couldn’t be further from the truth. Explained as a gathering for seniors, it’s only $4 for non-residents and they supply the pie and coffee. A little sativa with my Sanka and I’m about as happy a camper as you can find in Commerce City. Pie is just the icing on the cake. I’m so hungry. Though I’m still working on securing myself an octogenarian to chow down with, I’d encourage you to show up regardless of who you have in tow.

St. Baldrick’s Charity Fundraising Head Shaving Event
Free, at Fado Irish Pub (1735 19th St., Denver)

St. Patrick's weekend
Fado Irish Pub in Denver hosts the St. Baldrick’s cancer fundraiser on Friday, March 14. Pre-register, help the cause and get a free extreme haircut. (Craig F. Walker/ Denver Post file)

It’s not all green beer and bile on St. Patrick’s Day weekend, as the big hearts and short hair of friends of Fado show each year at their St. Baldrick’s fundraiser. The chain encourages pre-registered patrons (and not random drunks) to shave their heads, putting the funds toward assisting children fighting cancer. Their Denver location happens to be leading the nation, with their 2014 total climbing to almost $400,000, and it’s the only time I wouldn’t be mortified to find a hair in my beer. Fado goes all out for “SPD,” but getting in on Saturday or Monday will cost you $20 and a bit of your sanity, as they pack them in.

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March 15

St. Patrick’s Day Parade
Free, 9:30 a.m., lower downtown Denver

Would you believe me if I said the parade is the least exciting thing going on this weekend? I’m not sure any amount of pot makes this palatable, although there is a recreational dispensary a mere block from the route this year, so feel free to test that theory. With country singer and non-Irishman Jon Chandler (almost 4,000 plays on ReverbNation) as the Grand Marshall and the thoroughly uninspired “Sweet Home Colorado!” theme, hopefully an errant piece of candy knocks me unconscious. Did I mention I’m being dragged to this? The parade rules insist I don’t throw anything at the floats, telling me they’ve at least thought ahead.

Introduction to Animal Communication
$30, 1-5 p.m. at Isis Books and Gifts (2775 S. Broadway, Englewood)

Finally, the perfect stoner activity for a Saturday afternoon. All of a Saturday afternoon, that is, as this four-hour class promises to be worth every penny. Did you know that not only are your pets talking to you, but that you can reply back without the help of text messaging? It’s true. There’s a telepathic ability in all of us, and Intro to Animal Comm 101 will get you and your pet on the same wavelength. Don’t forget to bring a picture, or heck, multiple pictures of your pet(s) to show the class. They’ll somehow aid in the process of channeling your inner Brian Fellow.

$7 members/$10 non-members, 9:30PM at Sie Film Center ( 2510 East Colfax in Denver)

When I was very young, my mom rented me a copy of “The Princess Bride” and then left me to my own devices for an afternoon. She has no idea that someone could be insane enough to switch that tape out with “Leprechaun.” Enthralled, I don’t think I blinked for 92 minutes. Then I slept with the lights on until 6th grade. Moral of the story: This is an excellent stoner flick, but leave the kids at home. Or have a decent budget set aside for therapy.

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March 16

Hobbyist Hydroponics Workshop
$30-$60 per person, 10 a.m. at The GrowHaus (4751 York St., Denver)

Sick of paying dispensary prices? It’s time to get high off your own supply and finally get that hydro setup that you keep promising to do next weekend. Of course, The GrowHaus is an urban farm that doesn’t grow pot (as evidenced by the light lunch they’ll be serving) but a lot of the same principles apply. From touring their greenhouse to actually constructing your own hydro table, there’s practical application involved instead of just handouts in a classroom. Work off that hangover and hope they only talk about “food justice” on their website.

“Ancient Threads: A Celtic Tapestry” by The Denver Brass
$22-$44 for adults, 2:30 p.m. at Gates Concert Hall (2344 E. Iliff Ave., Denver)

For the stoner prankster, here’s the ideal event to take that friend who went pre-rehab Rodman all weekend. The hook is simple: unwind after a weekend of debauchery with a concert featuring classically played Celtic masterpieces. When the brass drops, they won’t know what hit them. Gregorian chant, dueling Celts and Gaels, those curly haired kids dancing: this tapestry has it all. And what dorm-room stoner can’t appreciate a good tapestry? It’s their final performance of the weekend, so you know they’re going to bring it. Or phone it in. Either way, mediocrity will not be on display.

Dream Interpretation Group by Jack & Norma Groverland
$3, 2:30-4:30 p.m. at Unity Spiritual Center (2855 Folmsom St., Boulder)

Listen, I know how crazy this one sounds. Almost as if someone had been dreaming when they came up with it. Jack Groverland, according to his bio, had his first spiritual experience as he escaped jail under a hail of bullets. His only crime was being a petty thief, gambler, and gang fighter. Now he leads a Unity ministry and will interpret your dreams for the low, low price of $3. You’re encouraged to write down nocturnal notions the week preceding the event, but feel free to wing it if you have to. Being high is definitely encouraged, although probably not by Jack and Norma.

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March 17

Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
$25.75 advance, $30 day of, 8 p.m. at The Gothic Theatre (3263 S. Broadway, Englewood)

If you have anything left by Monday, give it up for Sharon Jones, who fought back from her 2013 cancer diagnosis to take the stage with her Dap-Kings at The Gothic. Seeing Jones live is always a cause for much celebration and booty moving. It’s also the perfect time to light up a jazz-cigarette as many often do at her shows. Feeling a little lethargic after your crazy-ass weekend to this point? Double down on some pie and coffee and get back on the dance floor. Also playing: Valerie June.

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