An example of Pineapple Express from a different Colorado dispensary (Ry Prichard, The Cannabist)

Pineapple Express (marijuana review)

I opened my eyes. I felt refreshed.  I’d just had a long and restful night’s sleep and I felt ready to tackle whatever lay ahead.  It would be the first day back to normal life after a week-long vacation. We had been in Texas, the land where a concentrate would get me a nice big felony, and I was looking forward to a legal smoke later that evening.

I considered the strain slated for the night.  Pineapple Express is not new to me, on film or in my pipe. Seth Rogen certainly does seem like the type of dude I’d want to smoke with … can anyone set that up? Anyhow, this sativa hybrid strain has passed through a few times too but as I’ve said before, actually having to record and review a particular type of marijuana makes me quite a bit more aware of how each kind affects me. The film touts it as “the dopest dope I’ve ever smoked.” Would this version of that movie make my list?

Pineapple Express by the numbers: $13/gram, $250/ounce at Lotus Medical, 1444 Wazee St. in Denver

Researching Pineapple Express history leads you all over the map. Leafly attributes G13 labs as the creator.  A kid in some weed forum says dealers grew weed along the Pineapple Express (a train at the Dole plantation in Hawaii) and that’s how the strain came to be named, he claims — I guess that might have a ring of truth to it. This day however, I’d be smoking some Colorado grown acquired at Lotus Medical.

I rose from my bed gracefully, much the way a Disney princess does and made my way to my yoga mat.  I reached my arms to the ceiling. I stood up straight and stretched my arms out in front of me.  I tilted my head to the left. Then I tilted my head to the right and it struck me — a shooting pain through my neck and down my back.  A crick!  I hate them. I must have slept on my delicate neck the wrong way.  Drat. And now my son was stirring in his crib. I would definitely be waiting to treat the ailment.

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The day went on forever.  The crick in my neck went right along with it.  It was a tough day, but I knew at the end I had a big payoff.  With the dishes done and the kiddo tucked away for the night, it was time to remedy the situation. The bud was fluffy and when I gave it a spin in my grinder — it filled the thing. I rolled a modest joint and then considered …

In “Pineapple Express,” stoney pals Dale (Rogen) and Saul (James Franco) smoke a cross joint, which looks like one fat joint with a smaller one through it so it is shaped like a cross.  In smoking the cross joint they cough a ton; according to Saul doing so makes you “like ten times higher.”  I was hoping the coughing was for comedic purposes and would not be a universal reaction.  I was not going to be smoking a cross joint anyway, I told myself as I sparked it.

How was it?  There was a little coughing, but not much and only at the start of the joint. I was watching my favorite crime drama, and halfway through my smoke I focused in on it intently.  I was sure I knew what really happened to the victim and who did it.  Would the detectives see through the pretty boy’s charismatic façade? Indeed they did.  So, maybe I wasn’t as perceptive as I was feeling, but I certainly was feeling it.  And an uplifting kick is something I can get on board with.

And the painful crick in my neck?  It was gone.  It had dissipated, unnoticed, for the first time today.

I had to drink tons, due to dry mouth.  I had a cola, maybe not the best thing near bedtime, but it’s what I had and it’s what I drank. Then I got hungry. The only food referenced in Pineapple Express (I think) besides the titular fruit is fish tacos.  These were not available to me.  I opted for some oatmeal cookies, which satisfied me well enough.

Shortly after eating the drowsiness kicked in.  Perfect timing. It was late and I’d stayed up longer than I’d planned in order to capture the strain fully.  I was also fighting a time change coming home from Texas, so that definitely weighed in.

Pineapple Express offers a moderate high without being over the top.  I would not say it’s the “dopest dope” I’ve come in contact with. But it’s suitable for a mild evening smoke with the intent of crawling into bed within an hour or two.

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