An example of Kuchi from a different Colorado dispensary (Ry Prichard, The Cannabist)

Kuchi (marijuana review)

Many trips to a dispensary are like a speed date with Mary Jane where it pays to know your type. But every once in a while, you just have to pull the trigger on a strain you’ve never heard of and hope for the best. That’s what I’m telling myself after walking out with the unfortunately dubbed Kuchi, at least. Much like a patsy on the 90’s show “Blind Date,” I had no clue how ill-fated our time together would be. If only old Roger Lodge had been there to crack wise.

Bud Med is part of the Patient’s Choice family — check out our Ombudsman’s review of their Morrison Road location — and has gone through quite a facelift since opening near the dawn of the MMJ explosion. My girlfriend and I had just enough time to sit in one of their plush faux-leather sofas and peruse a menu before being called back as Nos. 299 and 300. Rack after rack of pill bottles with pre-weighed herb lined the back wall, some more recognizable (Chocolope) than others (Burkle).

Kuchi by the numbers: $27.50/half eighth, $340/ounce at Bud Med Health Centers, 2517 Sheridan Blvd. in Edgewater

My budtender dutifully popped tops on the opaque containers, offering no guidance on the strains I was sniffing away at. If I was the 300th person she had seen on a Sunday, I can understand, but when someone is checking out their sixth jar, that’s the same as looking at a dinner menu for 20 minutes. While I almost snagged the tart-smelling Bubba Haze, the bud structure was terrible and the top nug looked like it was trimmed with safety scissors. The only one that passed the eye test was Kuchi.

After looking to stock up on some indica, all I could see were clusters of amber trichomes on this indi-dominant hybrid. This generally indicates a thoughtful curing process after harvest and a more calming high, as opposed to clear or cloudy trichs, which give that powdered sugar appearance. In retrospect, I suppose I was blinded by them.

Cracking open the top at home, I thought I might have grabbed the wrong jar. Perhaps it had sat pre-packed for a while, but the nose had been sucked out of this strain. Breaking up a few nugs, I managed to coax a slight gingerbread smell out of it, but it was lackluster at best.

If there was any hope to be had for Kuchi, it was in the smoke. The weekend had been frustrating, as a sewer line issue that had — unbeknownst to us — been building up for years finally had enough, and we had been sans indoor plumbing for 24 hours. A good buddy owns a $10,000 pipe camera system, so I traded a little nug for his services. While it was entertaining to watch for about 40 of the 60 feet, I was more or less cleaned out of flower.

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While breaking up the buds, I immediately noticed immature seeds popping out like zits before a Sadie Hawkins dance. This means meticulously pouring over your herb, playing “Where’s Waldo?” but only finding his anadrome arch-nemesis Odlaw. Convinced I had them all removed, my second hit from my water pipe was met with a discernable “Pop!” that indicated I had smoked one of those tiny landmines. Even then, it didn’t alter the bland taste much.

The high, for what it’s worth, was passable with a generous amount of stress relief in my shoulders and neck. Definitely leaning OG, it was sedative and numbing without much going on upstairs. In the speed-dating world, I had picked the great-looking accounting department head who loved screensavers and Sudoku. With so many options out there that provide olfactory pleasure on top of your standard issue couchlock, I’m not sure why I’d come back for more.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s being a creature of habit. Like fish in the sea, there are plenty of cannabis genetics out there waiting for me. Who knows? I might even give Kuchi another shot, as this clearly wasn’t the A-game for the strain. But for today, I can say that the grass truly is greener on the other side. Smells better, too.

Updated March 12 at 10:40 a.m.: A note from Jake Browne — Hat tip Cannabist contributing photographer Ry Prichard, who knows the breeder of the Bud Med Kuchi and the correct genetics: ChemDawgD x Hanis. While the dispensary lists the Devil’s Harvest Seed Company version, which is a cross of Cheese (known for its pungency) and San Fernando Valley Kush (a current breeder favorite with tons of OG stank), this is completely in line with what I’ve smoked as we carried both the D and Hanis when I worked at Colorado Dispensary Services. With the lack of discernible smell and flavor from their final product, I’m not sure how this would alter my final review, other than to note there are two dramatically different versions of this cut, so make sure to ask your budtender which one they carry.

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