It’s exhausting being a stoner — and not just because you’re crashing from a bowl of indica-leaning Alien Napalm OG.
What’s really draining is having to make so many decisions as a full-fledged weed connoisseur — among them, the type and amount of weed that’s best for you, and the time of the day to smoke that best suits your lifestyle and responsibilities.
And then there is knowing which brands to choose as an essential part of being a stoner. Without these 10 marijuana-friendly mainstream brands, your weed life would be in absolute chaos.
1. Clear Eyes
This is an indispensable product for any pot smoker. Visine has never worked effectively for me, and I panic a little when it’s the only available eye drops at the store. Visine covers up the red eye, but it still leaves your eyes too glossy. Clear Eyes always comes through and I never look stoned. I promise you it’s the best out there. (Just for fun — the next time you’re real stoned, put eye drops in only one eye. You’ll get some looks.)
2. Axe Body Spray
Axe has it all wrong. Instead of marketing to young, horny guys who think smelling like a male stripper will garner the attention of the opposite sex, the company should be going for the stoner types who desperately need something to cover up the smell of the joint they just smoked at home on their lunch break. But in a pinch, Febreeze works just as well.
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3. Taco Bell
Taco Bell is clearly going for the self-respecting sober people who eat Cheetos-stuffed burritos at midnight — not! (I’m sure the company’s new director of stoner marketing probably came up with this new menu item.)
Single stoners should know this location-based dating app, because motivation — even to get laid — isn’t exactly the No. 1 side effect of smoking marijuana.
No commercials, and you get to binge-watch your favorite shows each month for about the price of a gram of good weed. Netflix is a stoner’s dream come true. Goodbye forever, cable TV!
6. White Owls and Zig-Zags
Your taste in blunts and rolling papers may differ from mine, but White Owl blunts and Zig-Zag rolling papers have always saved my day. They’re cheap, they’re amply available, and your purchase always makes the clerk smirk. They know exactly what you’re up to.
7. Kellog’s Krave Chocolate Cereal
I know you’ve seen the late-night commercials for this stuff. Of course they’re marketing to the stoners. How many little kids are up that late thinking about chocolate cereal? None, I tell you. None!
8. Yankee Candle
Not only does your apartment not smell like weed, it’s reminiscent of being in a winter cabin in Vermont with cider simmering on the stove. Your mom knew exactly what she was doing when she regifted you that basket of Yankee Candles for Christmas last year. (Be sure to thank her next time you see her.) Most kinds of incense make a good second choice, but you’re not fooling anyone with them — they know it’s not for meditating or praying or saying your morning mantra.
Yes, yes. This is a must-have for any stoner. It’s good for dental hygiene, and your general stank breath is no longer making people in the elevator want to gag. Don’t forget gum and mints too. I like the extremely minty stuff — Extra and Eclipse, Altoids and Icebreakers — when I need to freshen up.
Free stoner entertainment at its finest. You can find your favorite childhood shows, trippy videos, stand-up comedy specials, live concerts from years past, and just about anything your little stoned heart desires.