“I think I’m too high.”
While Peyton Manning is probably still sleeping off all that Budweiser this morning, many Broncos fans on Sunday chose to eschew alcohol during the big game and smoke a “super bowl” of their own. This made for riveting TV at times, but not because of what transpired on the field.
The Super Bowl commercials this year were as surreal as ever, and the reality-bending spots paired particularly well with pot. As someone who was baked out of his mind for the Broncos’ victory, here are my Top 5 Super Bowl commercials for people who chose bud over Bud:
1. Via apartments.com
Immediately, I’m glad that they’ve taken Jeff Goldblum’s weird Silicon Valley character out of the generically futuristic studio and placed him in the real world, where he belongs. But then I’m wondering, “Who knew he had those pipes?” I’ll admit, I’m no Goldblum completist, but I thoroughly enjoyed his cover of “The Jeffersons” theme song, even if my millenial friends were totally lost. Just when you think they’re going to toss up some hologram version of the late Isabel Sanford and Sherman Hemsley, they toss out a literal George and Weezy and my mind is blown. Then there’s a pie and a football kicked off a skyscraper that had me worried for pedestrians, but this was tremendous work before the extra point.
2. Via Marmot
It wouldn’t be the Super Bowl without a deluge of anthropomorphic animals, so I’m intrigued by how they’ll pull off this Marmot spot. I’ve also spent a lot of time recently studying marmots after a friend suggested on Facebook we should have one for Colorado as our version of Punxsutawney Phil. I’m not totally on board until they start making snow angels in the mud, something straight out of the most adorable rom-com you could imagine. Then comes the attempted kiss, which I’m still baffled by. The marmot clearly closes its eyes as the guy starts to make his move. Not a blink, but a total eye close, a legit we’re-about-to-kiss reaction. Just go to the 22-second mark and tell me I’m insane. This has become my Zapruder film.
3. Via Avocados from Mexico
Is this some live-action version of the cartoon hit “Rick and Morty?” No, and my hopes are dashed as they start showing me things I should be familiar with to gain my trust. Yes, I was born in the ’80s and know what a Rubik’s Cube is! Airplanes are uncomfortable, tremendous point. The striped dress that everyone was obsessed with even gets a cameo. But the real choice is which D-list celebrity they’ll toss in there to complete the Super Bowl commercial squares sweep. And behind glass case number four is … Scott Baio! Everyone loves Chachi, and they bring it home when aliens are allowed to feed him guac. I have no idea what the dialogue was before that, as I was busy looking for Easter Eggs in the other cases. Points if you saw the pogo stick or mailbox that looks like a bass.
4. Via Heinz
As much as I loathe people dressing up their pets, seeing a literal wiener dog warms my heart so dearly that I’m unprepared for the onslaught of feels as an entire pack descends down a hill.
Harry Nilsson is an inspired choice for music, and as a guy who cries at movie trailers, the room gets pretty dusty. That is, until the dachshund puppy comes on the screen and I bust into a hysterical fit of laughter. I want to grab him by his floppy ears and whisper, “Never grow up.” Then, a moment of fear. Why are these giant condiment-people giving each other such strange looks? What emotion are they going for? Specifically the guy stroking his beard in an untrustworthy manner? Then, my fears are allayed as the dogs jump majestically into their arms and start licking them. I’m not sure what the metaphor is at this point. I don’t care.
5. Via Mountain Dew Kickstart
Oh God. Oh God, it’s happening. Why is this thing dancing? Is it celebrating the rapture it is sure to unleash on us all? Surely, it keeps chanting “puppy monkey baby” as a siren song that will lead to our demise. Why does it hate popcorn so much? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Drink its juice, barely bearded man, and spare us its wrath! DRINK IT ALL! Ask for more after it licks your face? OH NO! Imbibing of its twisted cocktail of evil renders you a slave to its demonic power, forced to conga straight to the hellscape it lords over. I find myself unlikely to try a Mountain Dew Kickstart or pursue a field in genetic engineering.