The green rush in Colorado isn’t limited to dispensaries, pot shops and grow ops. In recent months, we’ve seen dozens of TV-news specials, mini-documentaries and late-night wisecracks following our state’s historic recreational legalization.
But despite a history of TV series being set in Colorado towns both real and fictional (from “Perry Mason” and “Dynasty” to “South Park,” “Community” and “Mork and Mindy”), funny TV shows about this newly legal reality in Colorado are difficult to find. “The Stoned Housewives of Humbodlt County” seems like something we might watch, complete with mindless, blinged-out caricatures, but alas, it’s a low-budget online parody series.
“Buds,” a new sitcom from “Parks and Recreation” star Adam Scott and writer/comic Joe Mande, was bought recently by NBC. But it’s unclear at this point when we might see the show, which is set in a Denver dispensary, on the air (if at all).
What’s a snarky stoner to do? We like Buzzfeed business editor Tom Gara’s recent suggestion on Twitter:
Celebrity Weed Freakout is the single most obvious reality TV show that needs to exist right now.
— Tom Gara (@tomgara) February 18, 2015
With credit to Gara (and Denver writer Kathleen St. John, who suggested another couple of these) we’d like to offer five more weed-based reality TV shows that need to happen immediately.
1. “Celebrity Weed Wipeout”
Gara’s “Celebrity Weed Freakout” basically writes itself, as producers could easily cram a half-dozen Z-listers into a room with high-potency edibles and watch the drooling, paranoid sobbing ensue. Why not make it a slapstick-y physical competition riddled with “America’s Funniest Home Videos”-style commentary? ABC’s ridiculous obstacle-course game show “Wipeout,” which plays like a cross between “American Ninja Warrior” and the ’90s Nickelodeon classic “Double Dare,” is a perfect fit. Slow reaction times, blind confidence and an unforgiving course are practically guaranteed to result in spectacular shaming.
2. “Pimp My Pipe”
Tricking out cars, homes, tree houses, fish tanks and the human body has become a predictable pastime for sociopaths who only find happiness in modifying everything they come across. Let’s train those busybodies and their fixer-upper pals on your bowl, bong or vaporizer. A year from now, no vape pen will seem complete without a deluxe velvet mustache attachment, or an LED light show synced to 311’s “Beautiful Disaster.” Another running joke in the weed world has been to transform mundane, ill-fitting objects into smoking devices. Let’s put our money where our lungs are and make that glorious wheelchair bong a reality, people.
3. “America’s Toke Kitchen”
Stoners and food go together like blue whales and krill, so it’s time to take a page from “Iron Chef,” “Chopped” and other cooking competitions and get a bunch of massively stoned people in the kitchen together. Watch as they’re turned loose on surprise ingredients that need to be made into something edible (and healthy) in under an hour. Imagine the flavor combinations as the contestants struggle to make fruits and veggies appealing to the Doritos/Mountain Dew crowd. (And if you think that’s over-ambitious, so is getting stoners to do anything within a time limit.) It could also serve as the lead-in for the stoned competitive-eating program “Please, Dear Christ, Stop Me Before I Die in Front of You.”
4. “Swamp Stoners”
Nothing appeals to our collective schadenfreude like drug-addled redneck stereotypes. We propose a new breed of stoner boilerplate by training cameras on a group of “Duck Dynasty”-style hillbillies who wrestle gators after doing dabs, or navigate the backwoods to tend their illegal grow ops like so many googly-eyed moonshiners. Subtitles may be required to understand them through the sluggish drawl, and we’re not sure how many times we can watch a possum get fricasseed on the hood of an F-150 without wanting to hurl. But still: stoned ATV rides and blazed Ron White cameos are something this country clearly needs more of right now.
5. “Willie Nelson’s Next Top Model”
The best aspects of shows like “America’s Next Top Model” and “RuPaul’s Drag Race” aren’t the desperate egomaniacs clawing for praise, but the judges’ commentary. Willie Nelson devotees would listen to the man read a phone book, so it only makes sense to deliver a pack of pouty high-fashion wannabes to his farm as they’re run through a stoner boot camp, Willie Nelson-style (note: this would include getting high with Nelson approximately 400 times per day). Sample scenes: Willie singing “Crazy” for the millionth time around a campfire while beautiful ectomorphs look on miserably, not a Cheetoh in sight. Willie going full-on Texas while leading the models on a trail ride, followed by a relaxing joint in the barn. “Don’t mind them horses. They’re just in heat.”